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Rob's American Idol Top 7 Part 2 Review

I missed last week's AI, and didn't review it.

You know what I'm really hating about AI this year?  The childish behaviour of the judges.  Especially Simon and Paula.  I don't really care that they play-fight, but it irks me to no end when that play-fighting gets in the way of the other judges comments, and thus causing the show to run long.

There.

The performers:

Lil sang I'm Every Woman.  Oh man, baby's got back-talk.  Yes, she has a huge bum and it was splendidly showcased in tight black spandex or whatever.  Her singing was awful.  The background singers' vocals drove the song, while Lil hooped and grunted and tried to get soulful.  She failed.  Worst performance of the night.  I hated how she interrupted the judges comments and demanded that her performance wasn't karaoke.  The issue, Lil, isn't that it was or wasn't karaoke.  The issue is you have no idea who you are.  You need to shut up and heed other advice.  Except, I expect you to be gone this week.

Kris sang "She Works Hard For the Money".  I liked his acoustic, it's-not-disco arrangement.  I thought his vocals were strong.  I just can't see Kris as anything other than a light-weight musical entertainer.  Second best performance of the night.

Danny sang "September".  I found this performance boring and screechy.  He seemed like he was going through the motions.  Didn't care for this.

Allison sang "Hot Stuff".  I am liking Allison less and less each week, and I was never much of a fan to begin with.  Another strong vocal, but everything around it - the arrangement, the too-old face, the purple hair, the attitude all brought me down.

Adam sang "If I Can't Have You".  Okay, he's won me over.  I've been waiting for him to show his petulant, arrogant side but he's either just a nice guy, or he's expert at manipulating his persona.  I quite liked the slowed down version of this song.  And he didn't ruin it with screechy high-pitched power notes.  Best of the night.  Again.

Matt sang "Staying Alive".  I mostly liked this, although it did reek a bit of desperation.  And those awful high falsetto notes didn't win him any fans.  Don't know if he did enough to stay around.

Anoop sang "Dim All the Lights".  I wasn't familiar with this song, or at least this arrangement of the song, and didn't really care for it.  I thought Anoop sang it well, though, except for that wrong last note which he thankfully cut short.

I'm thinking Lil goes home for sure.  And it's a toss up between Matt and Anoop.  My suspicion is that Matt will stick around because of last week's close call, and Anoop will end up this week's loser of the Saving Matt tactic from last week.

Turning Jokes Into Haiku

Tell a well-known joke, but keep to the haiku format:  5 syllable line / 7 syllable line / 5 syllable line.

Here's one from me:

Orange knocks on door
Keeps repeating "Banana"
Annoying, Orange.

Your Voice Isn't As Good With Makeup On

Yeah, so I'm late to the Sarah Boyle thing.  You know, the ugly woman who can sing.

In case you're even more late than me, here's a picture of her.


It's true.  She's beyond ugly.
In all honesty, I haven't seen the video clip of her singing, and now it's my goal to never see it.  Just like E.T.

I'm patiently waiting as every single person's Facebook status eventually makes reference to this "magical voice despite being an ugly person" story.  Once that happens, then we can all move on.

From snippets of conversations and blurbs I can't help but read on the web, I've pieced together the whole clip anyway.  And it goes pretty much like this, I reckon:

A warty dragon shows up to terrorize a talent show in Everinghamshire, England.  At first the villagers don't understand the dragon, and fear its loathsome warts and fire-ugly breath.  But then, just like in all fairy tales, something magical happens:  the dragon shows its true heart, and the villagers, represented by the burghermeister, come to realize that they, in fact, were the loathsome warts and they possessed the fire-ugly breath all along.  They all become chummy good friends, and the dragon goes on to sign guest appearances for shows like Oprah, the good witch of the east, who coincidentally, without her makeup, makes the dragon look positively darling.  Everyone lives happily ever after: Oprah's ratings have gone up slightly, a month later a terrifying pirate who masturbates parrots becomes the village's next thing to be afraid of, and the original dragon goes back to being pointed at and feared by those people in her neighbourhood who don't have access to YouTube.

Is that about right?

Boobies, Vaginas, Mmmm. Gorgeous. Very Gorgeous

So, here's a video a guy was compelled to put up on YouTube.  It's him professing his heterosexuality.  I am assuming that pretty much every word he says is a lie.  To himself, firstly, and then to us.

There are some amazing moments in this video.  From the knick-knack filled background, to the odd animal on the front of his rainbow-like sweater, to the bizarre logic and halted sentence-structure.
On top of all these moments, though, is deep, deep sadness.
I keep envisioning the awfulness of this guy's life: people picking on him, probably; fights with his family, no doubt; and lots of nights of crying by himself, I imagine.

That said, I admit I did laugh a few times.  The moment, about 7 or so minutes in, when he tries to convince us that's he's imagining ladies boobies and vaginas is awesomely fascinating.
Mostly, though, it's a sad guy living a sad lie of a life in a sad situation. 
What were the circumstances that compelled him to make this and post it?

For Sale - Antique Pump Organ and stool

This pump organ has been in my mother's family for a couple generations.  She says it's over 100 years old.



It's a great looking pump organ.  It does play, not well.  Takes a lot of pumping in order to make sounds.  It would need some work on the bellows, I think, in order for it to be a properly functioning pump organ.



It also comes with stool.



We want to sell it.  If you're interested, you can drop by and see it, and make an offer.

for more details, contact me at sendit2me@gmail.com

Rob's American Idol Top 8 Review

Theme:  Sing a song from the year you were born.

Is there hope for the fake judges?  All three of the Bantam League judges upped their games considerably this week, and actually offered some good, smart, constructive criticism and advice.  Randy didn't say "for me for you", not even once.  Kara didn't get petulent and smarmy and try to offer up suggestions of what should have been sung, and only mentioned "artistry" maybe once.  Paula even had some smart moments of elucidation.  And to top it all off, Simon actually gave a standing ovation.

On to the performers:

Danny Gokey sang "Stand By Me".  I had no idea Danny was 48 years old.  Because, um, the song was written in, like, 1961.  Oh, I see, you cheated the rules by claiming to sing the version that was released in the year you were born, but didn't really follow the structure of that version.  Huh.  Anyway, I thought Danny was quintessential Danny.  Great voice, good performance.  A solid opening.  I still think I'd hate to have Danny as a friend, though.  I think he'd always be hitting you up for money, or showing up late, or frustrating you over all kinds of minor things.  Just like John Pritchard.
I agreed 100% with Simon who said "good opening to the song, lazy middle part, and very good ending."

Kris Allen performed "All She Wants To Do Is Dance".  This was a song I had happily forgotten about.  Now it's back in my consciousness.  So, yeah, thanks Kris, for that.  I pretty much agreed with the judges who weren't feelin' it, dawg.  Guitar work got in the way of the vocal work.  And neither guitar nor vocal was good enough to be of note.  Still, he's cute.

Lil Rounds imitated Tina Turner with "What's Love Got To Do With It".  Basically, just a bad cabaret performance of someone trying to be Tina Turner, right down to the movements and vocal tricks.  Not a good job.  I'm surprised by the decline of Lil Rounds.  I had thought she'd be a strong contender every week, but she seems to be getting less and less valid as a potential winner (well, potential second place, because Adam's going to win it, even if he doesn't win it).  Judges are right:  she's lost who she is, and now just wanders the stage trying to belt out power-notes.  I find her personality off-putting, too, which doesn't help.

Anoop Desai crooned "True Colors".  Anoop settles back into the ballady-emotional guy and does a great job.  Weird apology he made regarding last week.  I'm not really sure what that was about.  Anyway, pretty strong performance from Anoop.

Scott MacIntyre sang "The Search Is Over".  He got away from the piano, and stood behind a mic, just him and his guitar (and the band).  His guitar playing was pretty bad.  Ugly sounding chord strumming there.  His vocals weren't much better.  Lots of bad notes.  At least he looked and sounded a bit more passionate than previous weeks.  Still, a pretty rotten job, I thought.  Scott said "I just wanted to show I was versatile before I leave the show".  Scott, playing mediocre piano and bad guitar doesn't make you versatile.

Allison Iraheta sand "I Can't Make You Love Me".  I swear that before the song was over, I said "I don't like her personality", and then Simon went on to talk about how her personality is keeping her from soaring to the top.  She has a wonderful voice, and does a good job with this song, but there's just something I don't like about her personality.  Not sure what it is.

Matt Giraud sang "Part Time Lovers".  Another song I'd have preferred to kept forgotten.  Matt does a pretty good JT version of this song.  Much better than his performance last week.  I think Matt might be the most marketable of all the remaining Idol contestants.

Adam Lambert did "Mad World".  Another standout performance from Adam.  While I still don't care for his screeching vocals (which he kept to a minimum here), I can't deny that the guy is leaps and bounds above all the others in terms of showmanship and talent.  Honestly, in the past few weeks, his personality has been growing on me.  I think I need another bit of big indulgence from him next week to put him in his place in my head.  Why is he a guy I don't want to like?

Top 4 performers:  Adam, Danny, Anoop, Matt

Bottom 2 performers: Scott, Lil

Scott should be leaving.

BK's Round Peg Into Spongebob's Square Hole??

Wait, so the Burger King wants to fuck Spongebob Squarepants in the ass?  Is that what this commercial is about?

We're Looking For A Lockschmidt

First Borat, now Bruno.
Looks like it will be lots of fun.

If Our Bodies Were Full Of Acid, We'd All Dissolve

This is pretty entertaining:
(From Boing Boing)

Dramatic readings of message-board posts about atheism from Christian fundamentalist message boards.
I love the conveyance of smiling smugness from the guy in the sweater and blue shirt.
And the guy in the hat does a wonderful job of committing to the conviction of what he's saying.
The guy with the facial hair has blind ignorant unapologetic uncaring faith down cold.

Rob's American Idol Final 9 Review

This week's "theme" was, as far as I can tell, "songs that have notes and words".  Or, songs available on iTunes.  Well, officially, it was "popular downloads" on iTunes, but they never stipulated the rules for what "popular" means, so really it could have been anything.

I was hoping one of the contestants would pick a Chimp song, because, you know, Chimp's Thundercrack! CD is available on iTunes.  Go seek it out.  You'll love it.  Alas, nobody sang any Chimp.

Paula looked awful last night.  That dress made her hips look huge.  Just sayin'.

Anoop started it off by singing Usher's "Caught Up".  I don't know this song, and Anoop's version of it did very little for me.  The 3 fake judges gave their usual blah-blah critiques, and Simon said it gave him a headache.  I find that hard to believe, Simon.   And if it's true, you should get that ailment checked out by a doctor.  I'd suggest the doctor who prescribes Paula whatever pills she's always obviously on.  I used to like Anoop, but lately he doesn't seem to know who he is.  And his rebuttals of the judges opinions last night didn't become him.

By the way, I officially *hate* Kara.  She has no sense of humour.  And if I hear her say "instead of the song you sang, you should have sung {whatever song} or {another whatever song}."  That's her thing:  telling the contestants that they need to invent a time machine to go back in time and pick a different song.  Also, Kara, stop fighting with people.  Last night she got into an argument with some guy in the audience who yelled (i forget the exact phrase, but its meaning was "you always say the same boring thing, you're boring") something.  The altercation ended with Kara whining to him "I'd like to see you get up here and do this" or something to that effect.  If he was replacing you, Kara, then so would I.  So would I.

Megan sang Bob Marley/Lauren Hill's "Turn Your Lights Down Low".  Another song I wasn't very familar with.  The chorus rang a bell.  I want to like Megan, but I can't. I've given up on her and want her gone.  Her problem is that she doesn't believe in what she's singing.  It's like she's apologizing as she sings.  No confidence in, and not enough control of, her voice.  The judges all disliked her performance.  Me too.

Danny sang "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts.  I don't know this song at all, but Danny did a good job with it, I guess.  He seemed to find the emotion within it, and sang well. I was expecting someone to comment on how the lyrics could have been applied to his dead wife, except instead of the "you left me" lyrics, she died.  I'm glad nobody brought that up.  A good performance.

Allison sang No Doubt's "Don't Speak".  I didn't like this as much as the judges did.  Although I wasn't as bothered by her outfit as the judges were.  I didn't think her guitar playing added anything to the performance, and after she abandoned playing it, the guitar was an albatross around her neck.  i found that she kind of shouted many of her notes, was rushing through the song, and basically wasn't present enough in her performance.  Not bad, but not great.  Paula tried to be cool by mentioning Allison's axe.  Paula failed in her attempt to be cool.

Scott sang "Don't Go Changing" by Billy Joel.  This was the song that proved to me that the contestants could pick any song they wanted.  This was Scott's best performance to date, but it still felt empty and bland.  Also, I'm sick of cut away shots to his ugly sister.  What?  She's ugly.  Oh, so what.  She's practically blind, it's not like she's going to read this.  And if someone reads it to her, then that's their fault not mine.  I'm just sayin' it like I see it.  Scott's sister is ugly. Also, Scott can not look contemporay or cool while he has that curly Art Garfunkel hair.  There is no way to make Scott look cool.  Also, his piano playing is unspectacular.  Paula gets into some catch-22 sentence about how when he sings she forgets about his blindness, but she'd need to be cognizant of his blindness in order to forget about it. Besides, why do they keep insinuating that it's wonderful what he's doing even though he's blind.  It's not like he's the first blind person to sing and play the piano.

Matt sang The Fray's "You Found Me", another song I wasn't that familiar with.  I liked it more than the judges did, but I'm not listening to him with the "can we make millions of dollars off this person" ears that the judges hear with.  Not one of Matt's best nights, wonder if he's in trouble after last week's surprise "bottom three" selection.

Lil sang "I surrender" by Celine Dion.  I did not like this song or performance.  Lil looked a million years old, and her dress reminded my of Fat Aretha Franklin, what with emphasizing the big butt and ample bosoms, but not in a sexy way, but a fat way.  Lil looked really weird as she sang, too, kinda like a hungry baby bird.  The judges mostly liked it, but Simon was on my page by saying it was like a wedding performance.  Then there was the weird thing where Ryan asked Lil's kids if they wanted to punch Randy.  What?  The?  Fuck?  Was?  That?  Seriously.  What was that all about?

Adam sang "Play That Funky Music".  It cannot be argued that he has an amazing voice, of which he has incredible control, and that he's got great stage presence, can play the crowd, and presents inventive versions of the songs he sings.  However, I find the guy too show-offy.  Yep.  Too show-offy.  Last night seemed to be pretty much a "watch this, everyone. Isn't it great!!" performance.  Not as good as the judges creamed their jeans over.  And Paula, everyone in the world recognizes that you had that little "Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Adam Lambert" speech prepared and memorized.  Boo on you for doing that.

Kris Allen sang "Ain't No Sunshine", and it was the performance of the night.  Very good, and the first time, for me, that Kris seemed to own the stage.  Our little boy is growing up!

Best of the night, in order: Kris, Danny, Adam, Allison...

My least favourites:  Megan, Anoop, Lil.

I'd like to see Scott, Megan and Anoop in the bottom three, with Scott going home.  That won't happen though.  I expect Matt, Megan or Anoop will leave the show (but be on the summer tour!!)

Whatevs.